Normativity is a concept that increasingly sparks debate. It’s all about normativity. There’s no more common topic among hipsters (and I say this as someone who’s been around a while) than this. There’s nothing more Instagram-worthy than not being normative. It’s at the heart of a cultural battle in which all of us, in one way or another, are immersed. But what exactly is normativity?
Normativity is the set of social rules and expectations that guide our behaviors. These norms, whether explicit or implicit, tell us how we should behave in different social contexts, how we should be, or what we should look like. Societies generate «normativities» because they regulate our interactions and create a framework that facilitates coexistence. Without this framework, functioning as a community would be difficult, if not impossible.
From a psychological perspective, normativity serves a fundamental purpose: it reduces cognitive load. Instead of constantly analyzing and deciding how to behave in every situation, social norms provide us with a pre-established guide. This way, we can act automatically in many situations, saving mental energy for more complex scenarios. We are biological beings with a much more limited cognitive capacity than we often believe. We’re wired to think as little as possible.
Imagine the following situation: you’re walking down the street, there’s no one around, it’s dark, and you see a person whose features you can’t make out or what they’re doing. What you should do is avoid that person. You can’t stop to observe whether they’re carrying a knife or if they’re watching you. Because if that’s the case, by the time you realize it, they’ll have already attacked you. That’s why we behave in such situations without thinking, without considering all the variables in the environment.
Normativity works in much the same way. To function in society, we can’t process all the information available to us in every situation. We have to know how to react quickly and effectively, at least statistically speaking.
However, while the norms that regulate our social behavior are necessary, normativity is neither a fixed nor a universal entity. It is culturally and historically situated. What is considered normal in one society or era can be seen as completely inappropriate in another, even within the same society. Norms change over time and depend on the culture that sustains them because the circumstances of the environment and the structure of society itself change. This variability makes it clear that there is no one «right» way to do things, even though the society we live in may lead us to think otherwise. That’s why norms vary from one society to another.
Despite its usefulness, normativity can also be a source of suffering for those who don’t fit in. People who don’t conform to physical, ideological, or behavioral norms may experience exclusion or rejection, and that is universal. This can affect individuals based on their physical appearance—whether they’re overweight, very thin, have a visible illness, or a different skin tone—or even how they think or choose to live their lives.
Faced with this discomfort, some people seek to challenge social norms to alleviate their suffering. In the gay community, for example, «bears» have created a subculture that celebrates the natural physical appearance of men who don’t conform to the ideal of youthful, muscular bodies. However, what often happens is that one normativity is simply replaced with another. Instead of eliminating the system, as is often believed, another set of expectations is created that can end up being just as restrictive. That’s why we all know bears who act like divas. And by the way, calling them «divas» is just as misogynistic and disgusting as saying someone is «a top» or «a bottom.» Let’s be clear: liking anal sex isn’t wrong, and you can be a «power bottom» in masculine terms. In this, English does a better job; the term «power bottom» is fantastic, I must say.
From a psychological perspective, going back to the topic, perhaps the solution isn’t to destroy norms or replace them with new ones. Perhaps the healthiest path is to accept that we can’t please everyone or meet every expectation. What’s truly important is learning to love ourselves as we are, with our imperfections. It’s not about adapting to norms or creating new ones that better suit us, but rather accepting that we’re fallible and don’t always fit in. As Carl Rogers said, total self-acceptance is key to well-being. Self-acceptance doesn’t mean giving up on improving; it means stopping the fight to fit into imposed molds and learning to value our individuality.
This doesn’t mean we should uphold harmful and rigid norms. On the contrary, we must fight for the acceptance of all people, whether they fit the norm or not. We must strive to ensure that non-normative behavior is not a reason for discrimination or social backlash. By the way, being a serial killer is just as non-normative as being gay, so «having no norms» doesn’t work. Norms are necessary, but as a society, we must ensure they don’t cause suffering, either on an individual or collective level.
